Visit With Kinsey's First Momma

(I love this one how Kinsey is just facinated by C's ear rings :) - precious!)

("R" is Kinsey's first/biological grandma & "C" is Kinsey's first/bio mom

Sorry this is long - but I want to remember it.... every bit of it.... )

I have been waiting and waiting to write this post. I wanted to do it the day that it happened but I wanted to make sure that I could post a picture if possible. Then I waited until I heard back from them if I had permission to share the pictures I had taken with you all. I heard back from them and they just don't feel comfortable with that (considering how everything surrounding her conception and birth is a secret).

I had alot of...um... expectations maybe ...for this visit. This visit was the biggest reason we really wanted to make the trip to California NOW, for fear that it might be a couple years before we get out there again. They have seen Kinsey at 3 days old, 7 months old and I just didn't want the next time to be at 5 years or something. They get pictures all the time - but its just not the same as experiencing her.

Well - if you remember, they were having problems with their car at the last minute and didn't think they could make it. We offered to just drive to them if they felt comfortable - which they did. We made the trip up there and I was just so excited/nervous! Kyle was a little more worried because he wasn't with me the last time they had met to see Kinsey, I assured him this would be awesome and he reminded himself that this was for Kinsey - because he loved her and knew that someday these pictures of her with her first mom would be priceless. Well - we got lost. Nothing major, but its just a pain when you don't know where you are at haha. We pulled into a Carl's Jr. - I called them and they said instead of explaining directions, they would just come to us. They asked the street - and I told them - Victoria Dr. I didn't realize until after our meeting how significant it was.

When they pulled up, it felt like we just kind of picked up where we left off. "R" (first grandma, who is just 34 years old right now) and I write letters frequently, so I just feel like we are old friends - strange I know. Of course the "hello" and the hugs are awkward, but its more like - I don't want to say anything to hurt them. Kinsey didn't feel like giving hugs and she started to yell when R reached for one. Awkward again. But once Kinsey say that she had a cell phone she had an instant friend and took R's hand and "C"'s hand as we walked inside the restaurant.

We walk in and sit down - Kyle goes and gets Kinsey some tater tots to eat while we sit and chat. One of the first things she did was look at R & C, point to Kyle and say "daddy"... then point to me and say "momma". I felt instant pain. I can't explain it. During this visit I was completely okay with not hearing or being called "momma" by my beautiful girl. I know that I am her momma - but I didn't want to pour salt on the wound that "C" has. Maybe that's bad that I didn't want to be called that - but I didn't. Anyway, they both smiled and said "Yes".

The next hour was filled with talk about Kinsey and Cali and random things they do that we love. In our letters, we just kind of share whats going on with us. . . so during this time that we were meeting, they asked more specific stuff. When they asked her favorite things to eat we started naming things (Broccoli was one - C likes it too!) then we said "She will pretty much eat everything!" C looked down, smiled this cute smile and said "Yeah - thats me too" :)

The last time we met she was just 14 years old. Two months ago she turned 16, its amazing how grown up she seemed - yet she was still a young girl - a child. This meeting she was more engaged in the conversation, she made eye contact, asked questions, and didn't seem as uncomfortable and shy. I loved it. I just kept looking at her and smiling - this woman gave me my daughter. Her daughter.

Kyle jumped in and said "You know, its funny because Kinsey loves sliced lemons!" - You should have seen C's face light up - "I love lemons too! I suck on them all the time!" Well, now we know where Kinsey gets it from :) It makes me happy - happy that I can tell Kinsey someday that her first momma loved lemons too :)

There were a few other moments like that - where I just smiled and loved that each one of us, of them, got to be here.

They thought Kinsey was really smart - of course she is :) They loved watching her move from place to place. Kinsey even went over, sat down between them and shared her hashbrowns - such a priceless moment. :) They thought she seemed hyper :) Well... she does have alot of energy.

They gave us a CD of bible songs and hymns sung by kids - we listened it non stop for the next two days... Kinsey LOVES to sing and listen to music. They gave us 101 dalmations, they knew she loved dogs (C and R have two dogs - they are big animal lovers like Kinsey)!

R & C shared a couple more things that Kinsey did or liked that C did also. It was neat to see C get excited about those things. She would say "Oh yeah and ..." when something would come up. It just made me happy. I can't really explain it.

When I talked to R the week before to set up our meeting, we chatted for about an hour about what was new and stuff going on. As much as you can say in letters - its just so much easy to chat on the phone.

She shared how C had told her a couple days before that she ("C") showed a picture of Kinsey to her friends and told them everything. Her friends thought Kinsey was really cute - of course :)This brought a little bit of comfort knowing that she had someone else she could talk to - who may ask her the tough qustions about how she really felt about everything - the good, the bad and the ugly. It also made me glad because now maybe her story will encourage others (her friends) to consider adoption over abortion if ever faced with the same situation. Up until that comment I wondered how much of our communication was R and how much was C. I didn't know if she just wanted to forget - or if she was just as excited to see pictures and letters as R was. So hearing her say that she was carrying around pictures of Kinsey confirmed that C still enjoyed the pictures and letters :)

Back to our visit -

They couldn't get over Cali either :) She just smiled at them the whole time - it was so cute. They loved her little curls and wondered why Cali had them but not Kinsey (C has curly hair). "C" just loved her name too :) And thought her eyes were "so cool". R shared about how God's timing was perfect for them, for us - to bring us together to become parents of Kinsey and then have another little girl. They just loved how we had two little girls close in age so Kinsey could be a big sister :)

Oh! I for got a cute part of our day - they had commented n how crazy it was that I had a labor/delivery very similar to C's. C then said that the doctors were really impressed that she was up walking around the next day - Kyle looks at me and say "Man, honey you were a wimp - it took you a few days to walk"... you should have seen C smile :) Yeah - she is tough. :) You'd have to be to go through everything she has - much less at 14.

One of my favorite things about the time together was the way that C looked at Kinsey. She is such a soft spoken girl... but the way that she watched Kinsey was so beautiful. The look was kind of like her adoring everything about her.

After about an hour they said they had to go - they both had classes they had to get to. I knew it would be short, but I didn't realize how fast it would go by.

We said our good-byes and parted ways.

after we met with them, R sent me a text message and said that she was SO thankful that God had made it possible for our meeting to take place (despite the car problems). It truly was HIM who made it possible, I had friends praying that God would make a way - and he did!

After we got back on the road the emotions just flooded me. I just broke down.

Before Kinsey was ever my daughter - she was C's first. I may have been the first one to hold her outside the womb - but C carried her for 9 months before I ever laid eyes on her.

I just hurt so badly for them. The tears were tears of joy - that she chose us to be the parents to her beautiful little girl. Those same tears were from the hurt that I felt for them - that they had Kinsey missing from their lives...that their pain was my joy. That they didn't get to see the cute little things that she does everyday. They don't wake up to her saying "Momma, momma, momma". The tears were tears of utter thankfulness to God who orchastrated the events of our lives that now connect us forever.

Remember how I said that the street we were on, that they would come meet us at was "Victoria Dr."? Well, Victoria was the name given to Kinsey by her first mom. I don't care what anyone says - that is God. How would it be that out of every road in that place, us getting lost, and them deciding to just meet us "there" - that it would be her given name?

Maybe that just added to the emotion I was already feeling.

I just felt pain. Pain for C. I don't know what she is feeling - I can't possibly imagine the pain. What was it like to see Kinsey ? She she her smile - to hear her laugh?

R thanked us for giving C another chance - a chance to finish high school, go to college, and get her life back. This why we chose adoption. We wanted to put our "prolife" talk into action. We have never cared how we became parents... and we knew that if we could be the answer to a woman's prayers who wanted life for her baby but was unable to parent...that we wanted to be there!

She thanks God in every letter to us that they picked us to raise Kinsey. They love that she is a daddy's girl. They think its just so cute :) They love that she has a mom to stay home with her everyday. But you know - if they had chosen to keep her, I have no doubt that she would have been loved and adored every second of every day. The love her now - adore her now - pray for her now.

I cried because a mother knows the pain of losing a child. I cannot imagine what it must have been like to make that choice. It was a choice made out of such a deep love. I felt that pain - I hurt for that loss that she lives with. I love my daughter - and I can't imagine my life without her. I know that C and R love her too and it hurts that they will never know what it feels like to hold her close and hear her say "momma" or "grandma" the cute little way that she does.

She is my daughter. But she was her's first.

From the beginning I know that God knew that Kinsey would have two momma's.

Two momma's with different roles...

but neither one more important than the other.

I just love how Kinsey has her head rested on C's head - precious...

C looks so comfortable with her arms around Kinsey.

Some of you may wonder if it hurt me (for me) to see them and meet with them.

It didn't at all.

I know that I am Kinsey's mom.

I don't feel threatened or anything when it comes to Kinsey.

I truly believe that it benefits us ALL to maintain the kind of contact that we do.

C gave my daughter life - she entrusted me with her daughter. How could I possibly ever repay her for what she has done? How could I deny her knowing that her choice was a good one - that she picked the right family? I am forever thankful for the gift of Kinsey. I know that someday Kinsey will cherish these photos and letters that I keep in a scrapbook. She will know that she was loved before she was born and that the choice of adoption was made in love - the most pure and selfless love possible.

Another baby abandoned in....(Jan 09)

(To view the stories I wrote about - click on the link I inserted that is pink)

This morning at 5:30am as I got up to feed my baby daughter I was reading the news when I am came across a woman in Michigan who abandoned her baby inside a Michigan Hospital...the baby was 2-4 days old. I wanted to read more about the story so I googled it. I came across another story - in January a 17 year old in Indianapolis who left her baby in a towel, in a shoe box on the steps of a porch (it was 14 degrees) with a note saying she couldn't take care of her baby and asking for help. She went to school and told a counselor what happened.... the baby survived but is in critical condition. Another woman in New York - just 25 years old, abandoned her son - wrapped in a blanket in a plastic bag outside a brooklyn apartment in freezin temperatures. He was just hours old... He is being hospitalized in critical condition. In North Dakota a couple weeks ago, a baby is left at a fire station in freezing temperatures. In Texas a couple came home to find a baby on their porch who had been left by a young woman neighbors had seen walking with a baby.

My heart breaks for these babies.... these babies are the lucky ones.... the ones that survive. These instances of baby abandonment were just this last month....

Project Cuddle has some stats that show that 57 babies are abandoned everyday in the United States (these are the reported cases). I believe it. Project Cuddle has a desire to end baby abandonment. They go into schools, they advertise in pregnancy centers, abortion clinics, hospitals, where ever possible to let women know that they have options. Everything can be handled in secret. Alot of the women they help are hiding pregnancies. They will keep their "secret" - they will help women find a home for their baby.

It takes an effort to get things done. Maybe you would like to volunteer to help out Project Cuddle - or donate what little you can. We have been blessed personally by them - that is how our daughter was brought to us. Her first mom was hiding the pregnancy, and Project Cuddle was there to help.

As I hold my daughters, and love them, and see them smile.... I can't imagine leaving them alone... alone in the cold...alone anywhere.....

How heart breaking it must be for these women to leave their children out of fear, or anxiety, or selflessness, or selfishness. To be in labor, to deliver your child... I cannot fathom the strength and the loneliness. As sad as it is that they would leave their baby somewhere - at least they allowed their baby to live... as opposed to what many other women do. I just want to scream - I will take baby - I will love your baby! So many other families would as well....

We need to help get the word out that THERE ARE OPTIONS. You don't have to resort to this.

As I face this sadness - this despair I think of my girls...
I love my girls :)

This isn't upside down :)

I took it facing over them - I thought it was cute haha

I've been thinking about them lately....

The last few days they have been on my mind more than usual. It's been a couple months since I have heard from them so it just makes me wonder how they are doing and if they are making it alright.

We have an open relationship with Boo Boo's first family - her first grandma "R" who is a mere 33 years old herself, her first mom "C" who is about to turn 16 years old in Feb, and her first aunt "A" (12 years old) who doesn't even know about boo boo's existence. The fact that "A" doesn't know that boo boo exists is interesting in and of itself. She is the same age as my sister, my sister who LOVES being an aunt to boo boo. I wonder how she will respond when she finds out someday. You know, it's funny... I didn't realize C would be 16 until I just wrote that out. Time sure flies doesn't it? She had just turned 14 when Boo Boo made her way into the world.

I don't talk about boo boo's first family much when I talk about adoption - not because I don't want to - but because I don't get asked about them much. Maybe people assume that I don't want to talk about them. Maybe they think it hurts me to think about it. It doesn't... but I can see why it would be awkward to ask me about. Maybe its because not many people can understand. I guess I just like people knowing how great they are. There is such a negative attitude towards "first families" I think... and I never want anyone to view them that way....

It was the beginning of October since the last letter from them... but I know they are busy. "R" is a single mom herself trying to raise two girls in this crazy world. Not an easy task. I am excited for her though - she and "C" are taking classes at local colleges! Its exciting, seeing them go for their dreams. Without much family support R is doing all she can for her girls. When I see single moms trying to make it, I think of her and how difficult it can be.

Its funny, when I look at boo boo I don't see someone else's daughter - I see mine. But when I look for C in her I can find her. C loves animals - always has.... so does my boo boo. I like this think its from both of us :) That was a plus for her when she picked us to be boo boo's parents. You know when we first met C and she was asking about where we lived etc. one of the things she asked was what pets we have :) Then she asked if it snows.... when we said "Yes" she responded with "Lucky". Makes me smile even thinking about it. She responded "Lucky" when we talked about Kyle working on a buffalo farm, Kyle's parents living on a farm, and all the siblings in my family. I think those were C's favorite things about us. C's mom R's favorite things about us was that we knew Jesus. She wanted her very first grand baby to know Jesus, grow up in church and have a family that dedicated her to God.

I feel like they are our family in a weird sort of way... I think about them, care about them... I can't wait to send them pictures of different things boo boo is doing that I know they would enjoy. I have requested lots of family pictures of theirs and I am putting all their letters in a binder for boo boo when she gets older. I hope that will give her a sense of the love they have for her.

I think that is one of the reasons that the relationship between My Love and boo boo is so special to me. Boo boo's first mom doesn't have a dad that is around. That means that boo boo is the third generation without a father that is present. But her daddy - my love - has broken that cycle. Its beautiful to see that relationship. It breaks my heart that C doesn't have that. That she doesn't know what it could be like to have such a great dad.


I hate it when people say things like "Oh boo boo is so much better off now" or "Its sad that they didn't love her!". I want to shout at them - "Don't you know - thats why they did what they did!" I want to tell them that they adore my beautiful little boo boo.... But that this is what was best for her. I just feel so blessed that God is using us to raise her. Because she is absolutely amazing and I can't imagine life without her. :)

Thanks for letting me talk about them.... it makes it easier. I love to talk about them.

Just so its clear....

Just so its clear, I have no intention of trying to guilt people into adopting. I know that if guilt is the reason people adopt then there is a VERY high chance of the adoption being disrupted - which is NOT what I would ever want for a child who has already endured such loss.

It is so hard because there is a need and no one seems to care because its not their "problem" - yes, I have heard people say that its not their problem. Or they see the need and think "how sad" but thats as far as it goes... I am guilty of this myself when I have seen a need...so I don't want it to come across that I was saying "I am better than you because I adopted". There are other ways to make a difference than just adopting.

My frustration comes from knowing how lost these children are without the guidance of a family. I also see the need in children who have families, but are pretty much ignored by their parents and left to raise themselves.

I look in these children's faces and I am heart broken that they don't have someone to love them unconditionally ...

I write to myself as much as I write to others...

Sometimes I think that I don't sacrifice enough to do what I can to make that difference.

Everyone has a gift, a passion that is God given that they can use to make a difference and further His kingdom.

I just want people to care - about the fatherless child, the single mother, the elderly (or not so elderly) widow. I just want people to see them, instead of seeing through them. I just want them to realize that everyone can do something to make a difference.

So tired of it....

I'm tired of it ... tired of seeing children without homes desiring the love of a mom and dad....

tired of seeing it and not taking action...

I am tired of the fact that the system is so screwed up and that its hurting these kids...

I am tired of people thinking its "weird" or "irresponsible" or just plain "stupid" to want to take in these kids because of the issues that may come along with them .... you know... alot of these kids don't have issues.

What exactly trumps taking in children who need a home?

Your family may not have children that all look the same, have the same color of skin, the same nationality... but isn't that what heaven will be like? Do we turn down the invitation to be part of God's family because we don't all look the same?

I love my husband's heart... the last couple nights we have read over profiles, looked over pictures and watched videos of children waiting.... Kyle has such a big heart... he tells me he wants to take in these children instead of another baby for our next child. He says he can't wait until we are a little older and can take in some teenagers who will soon age out of the system.

We read about a boy - 15 - who asked his social worker, if when/if he gets adopted will he get to keep his new parents even after he turns 18... are they his parents forever?

I look at these kids and some how rationalize taking in 15 to 20 kiddos ... Kyle is a little more realistic :) Realistic... but he still sees the need and knows we can act on it. I love that about him. I love that he falls in love with these kids and their hearts the way that I do. I love that it angers him that people don't do more. I love how when I wonder out loud why people spend thousands and thousands of dollars on material things (instead of investing that money into a child whose soul will last forever) he simply replies "I guess that is their priority". He doesn't say it in a judgmental way... but more in a sad way.

I read this and I thought of Kyle... :
When I look at the fathers in these (adoptive) families, I am struck by their courage. Adoptive moms assure me that adoption is rarely ever a man's idea. And it is almost always an idea born of a woman's pain. The sorrowful heart of a mother meets the sorrowful heart of a child and together they begin a new life. But how do they get to "together?" They become a family through the courageous actions of a man who sees the pain of his wife and listens to her as she tells him about the pain of the child. Rarely, do these women beg and plead. Rather, like Mary, they trust God. They pour out their hearts in prayer and God convicts their husbands. I am assured that this is not the case of weak, badgered men who cave to whining women. Rather, they are tender, brave men who recognize a mutual need and hear a distinct call.

My husband is a great father. I love his relationship with our daughters - the way he values them and the way that he is an example. I look forward to seeing him father our daughters as they grow, and seeing him father more children that God brings us.

Who knows if God will open doors and bring children this way into our family - I can't help but believe that he put this passion in my heart for nothing.

Did I mention that I love my husband and I love his heart for the fatherless?

We all have things we are passionate about right? My passion is kids - their joy, their innocence, their love of life - what they should have but what many don't have. I see children hurting - kids being abused, kids forgotten, kids ignored.... I see these children without families, without a mom and a dad - and I want to just hold them...let them know they are loved.

God is calling us to take care of the fatherless. It isn't suposed to be easy... and kids aren't suposed to be perfect. The kids God is calling us to take in are broken and hurting. You would be too if you have experienced what they have. Most people are pretty messed up and have had easy lives compared to them. People expect kids available for adoption to not have any issues - when adults (and kids in intact homes) haven't worked out the same issues.

Kyle and I have been so blessed. We have great families... we have never gone a day wondering if our parents loved us. We have never wondered where we would sleep that night... wondered if we had to move to another temporary foster home.

We have a support system - we have great families....and we want to give that to kids who have never experienced it.

My daughters are awesome - I can't imagine my life without them. It feels like Kinsey & Cali have always been a part of our lives... they make us so happy! Have you met my kids? They are pure joy! Kyle and I want to bring other kiddos into our family - show them what it means to be loved unconditionally... and have our lives enriched by them.

We are young, and just getting started on our family - but I am so pumped to see the life that God has in store for us.... and the children he will bring to our family.

Read this song:
Well I don’t know if you remember me or not
I’m one of the kids they brought in from the home
I was the red-haired boy in an old green flannel shirt
You may not have seen me – I was standing off aloneI
didn’t come and talk to you, ‘cause that’s never worked before
And you’ll prob’ly never see this letter anyway
But just in case there’s something you can do to help me out
I’ll ask you one more time

All I really want for ChristmasI s someone to tuck me in
A shoulder to cry on if I lose - Shoulders to ride on if I win
There’s so much I could ask for
But there’s just one thing I need
All I really want for Christmas is a family

Well I guess I should go ahead and tell you now
If it’s really true about that list you have
Somehow I always seem to end up in a fight
But I’m really trying hard not to be bad
But maybe if I had a brother or a dad to wrestle with
Well, maybe they could teach me how to get along
And from everything I’ve heard
Sounds like the greatest gift on earth would be a mom

All I really want for Christmas
Is someone who’ll be thereTo sing me “Happy Birthday”
For the next 100 years
And it’s OK if they’re not perfect
Well, even if they’re a little broken, that’s alright‘
Cause so am I

My Plan For Our Lives...

I am going to jump back two years in our lives. I had everything planned out for how our family would look and how our lives would play out. We were going to adopt a young (4-8 years old) sibling group of boys from the foster care system who were a racial minority because these children were the hardest to get placed in an adoptive family. We didn’t even want to adopt an infant. We did our training and waited. I bought books about raising sons, Bibles for little boys, and a few other things that were specifically for having boys. Was my “plan” selfish? No. Wasn’t it our desire to make a small difference in the problem of so many children without families to love them? Yes. So why wouldn’t God honor this request and bless us with the family that we desired? It was because HIS PLAN was so much better.

In January, 5 months after we began our wait for a family, we were told about Project Cuddle. The stories they shared of baby abandonment were devastating. It was very emotional (and still is) to think of a child suffocating in a garbage bag. We decided that we would sign up to be a “rescue family” and I noted (according to my plan) that we would be willing to rescue a boy of a racial minority. A couple weeks passed and I felt like God said “How could you limit the type of child you could save and the type of child you could love?” The fact was that I couldn’t…. I re-sent in our information and noted that we would be willing to rescue a child of any race, any gender, and any unknowns that they may have. A month later they contacted us with a child (not in my plans) – we said yes and she has radically changed our lives.

I look at my daughter… I hear her laugh, I feel her hugs, see that gorgeous smile and think of what I would have missed out on had I stuck to what I thought was right for us. It breaks me emotionally that I almost missed out on her life and the joy she brings. She has my heart – she is soooo incredible.

Another “plan” of mine was to not have a child biologically for a few years and until we had adopted a few more children. God had a better plan and here I am entering my 30th week of pregnancy expecting a baby ! She will be perfect – the perfect piece to this perfect family designed and put together by God.

It’s funny how I thought that I knew what our perfect family would look like. I am sure God smiles, knowing how his perfect plan is so much better for our lives. Who knows, we may end up with 4 s – I don’t know how I could ever have had a preference before now. How could I tell a woman that I would love her baby any less because it was one gender or the other? Maybe there won’t be any more children and His plan for our lives only includes these two princesses.

I am glad that I have a Father who knows us better than we know ourselves. I am glad that I have a Father who has a perfect plan for my life. I am glad that my plans don’t work out and that He has had every detail in place since before I was born. I am glad my Father knows what is best and amazes me with his blessings.

I, of course, still have plans – we want to adopt a couple more kids through Project Cuddle. I have no idea if my plans line up with his for our future – but I’ll take His plans over mine.

I don’t know what His plans hold – but I know he has them for our family.

I couldn’t be more thankful for my husband and two daughters – and I wouldn’t trade them for anything or anyone.




Isn't her smile amazing? And I get to be her mommy ;-)

Our Update on David

Many of our friends and family have asked about David, the young boy were were selected to adopt around this time last year. We were selected to adopt him in May 2007. Its been an interesting year to say the least... poor guy has been thru SOOO much. To make a long story short (I'm sure I'll give ya the long version too lol).... In November 2007 (after 7 months of paperwork) they told us that he came back into contact with his siblings and wanted to keep him in Texas. This was fine by us because we were just happy that he was finally having some family in his life. Turns out when they decided to keep him in Texas, another family found out he was no longer going to be adopted by us, and they pushed for him to be placed in their home to be adopted by them (this is typically a good thing). They kept him for 5 months (November to March 08) telling him that they were going to be adopting him and that he would finally have a family ....and then had a baby placed with them thru foster care. When they had the baby placed them they decided that they wanted David to be removed from their home so they could adopt the baby instead. They said one reason they changed their mind about adopting him (other than wanting the baby) is because he was "immature"... um, sorry but what 12 year old boy isn't immature? Anyway, the adopting parents said they would talk to him about what was going on to make it easier on him... but then they didn't, so when the social worker showed up to take him from the home he had no idea! He started crying and begging them to let him stay (how heartbreaking). The social worker told me since this most recent disappointment he has continued to cause problems at therapy, has been completely against adoption and has threatened to run away. The social worker called last month with all this info about his failed adoption to keep us updated on him. She was his new social worker when all this happened and seemed liked she really cared about him .... she expressed her frustration at that whole situation. She said he is very intelligent and that he is very aware of everything going on. She kept saying she didn't know why he just wasn't placed with us in November since his contact with his siblings have remained phone contact only. She kept saying how perfect our family was for him and how much David looked like my husband Kyle and how he looked like part of our family :-) Right now they are putting his adoption status on hold, and he may never come back to a good place after this most recent incident. It breaks my heart because he has experienced this rejection and foster parents changing their minds for 8 years! How much is one boy expected to take??? Its as if these adopting parents didn't even care about what it would do to him :( And how in the world do you have a boy live in your home, calling him your son for 5 months and then trade him in for a "younger model". Its just heartbreaking :(

We hope and pray that someday his heart is healed from this rejection and pain. Even if he never joins our family, we hope that someday he has a mom and dad who love him unconditionally.

So if you could bring him before Jesus, that would mean the world.... its really all any of us can do.

Beyond the Crisis...an inspiring story

Beyond the Crisis

What should Heather do when her pro-life theology collides with the painful reality of a crime?

by Shana Schutte

“Turn off the light,” Heather Gemmen murmured. She thought her husband, Steve, had returned from an evening at church. When Heather peeked out from the covers, she saw a strange man standing in her bedroom! A nightmarish experience followed. Once alone, she phoned Steve.

“You have to come home! You have to come home!” she pleaded. It felt impossible to admit what just happened. Shame engulfed her as she spoke. “I’ve been raped!”

The Choice

Heather had been pro-life since she was a young girl, but now her theology collided with the painful reality of a crime. What should she do? Counseled by her friends, pastor, Bible study group and husband to take the morning-after pill, she visited a physician. But she felt compelled to do her own research before she followed through.

“[If I were already pregnant,] I found that the pill would stop the egg from implanting in the uterine wall, which I considered to be an abortion. But I couldn’t handle the thought of being pregnant, so I took it within 72 hours, the time frame allowed for the pill to be effective, even though I knew it was wrong.”

Heather missed her period once or twice, but she was advised not to worry. “It’s because of stress,” the doctor and friends told her. Then she took a pregnancy test.

God Had Another Plan

The drug didn’t work. Heather’s emotions were conflicted, and she was confused. On one hand, she felt relieved of the guilt of abortion, but she was devastated by the thought of carrying a rapist’s child. Questions, confusion and more shame followed.

“I didn’t know if my husband could deal with it,” Heather admitted. “Would he leave me? What would my family and friends say? I could logically evaluate my situation and knew I was innocent, but I didn’t feel innocent.”

Heather withdrew from nearly everyone in her life, stopped attending church and wanted to lash out at anyone who dared to quote Jeremiah 29:11. “I didn’t believe things would work out for my good — or that I had a future and a hope. I just believed the worst.”

A Wanted Child

A sign of hope emerged when Heather and Steve, still adamant against keeping the baby, phoned a couple they knew was good with children. Heather and Steve asked, “Could you parent this child?” The couple said yes, and they considered the offer an answer to prayer.

But later, Heather was confused by her feelings about adoption. She was grieved by the thought of losing the baby, and she then realized the truth. “I love this child, and I am her mother.” God opened Heather’s eyes, and her heart settled on keeping the baby. But what about Steve?

At the same time, Steve also began to embrace the idea of keeping the baby. Concerned church friends shared a story with him about a family who had a similar experience and was still able to love the rapist’s child. “It opened Steve’s eyes to what was possible,” Heather said. The Gemmens began to think, This is our baby.

God's Hands and Feet

Though not yet a full celebration of life, the Gemmens’ church, family and neighbors helped to usher in a greater joy. The community rallied around and did whatever they could to help.

“They brought us food, gave us a watchdog and had police check up on us,” Heather said.

For a time, Heather regretted telling anyone. “I felt my whole identity had changed. Heather the worship leader was now Heather, the one who had been raped.” She couldn’t bear seeing people who knew her story, so she hid at home embarrassed, isolated and alone.

“But they [the community] loved me anyway,” Heather said. Their care for my family was tangible, and they loved us so much that there wasn’t room in my heart for bitterness and shame. You can’t hold love and shame in your heart simultaneously.”

Just Love

As the months passed and Heather’s baby grew, so did her enthusiasm. Heather went shopping and bought clothes for herself as well as the necessary baby items. With the excitement of the preparation, love grew in the Gemmen home.

By the time baby Rachel arrived, the experience was no longer tainted by painful memories. “It was a beautiful moment of receiving a new life,” Heather said. The only emotion left was love.

Rachel is now a bubbly and energetic 9-year-old. She’s Daddy’s girl, and Steve is enthralled by her. There have been moments when he has looked at Heather and asked, “Can you imagine if we would have never had a daughter?”

After the work of love God did in Heather and Steve’s heart, they also adopted a young boy from their neighborhood — another testimony of the power of forgiveness. About her son, Heather says, “He is so loving. I know he is going to change the world.”

A New Picture of God

Much change has happened through Heather’s heartache, including her view of God. “The rape has changed my view,” Heather said. “I don’t see God as a jolly, old man in the sky any more.” Heather’s childlike picture of God has been replaced by a deeper truth that brings comfort — a God who is her Provider and Sustainer, a God who grieves when she experiences pain.

“God is compassionate yet big enough to handle any problem,” Heather said. “I’ve found I don’t need to minimize my pain. I don’t have to say ‘Oh, everything is fine’ when it’s not. Yes, there are a lot of tough things that happen in life, but God is good.”

Shana Schutte is an editor for Focus on the Family’s Internet Department.

Being an Adoptive Mother

What Is an Adoptive Mother?

By Carrie Craft
Being an adoptive mother is not for every woman. She must possess not only the natural mother instinct but an understanding and appreciation of the situation that brought a child into her arms making her a mother. The adoptive family came to be by choices made, choices made by the first parents and by the adoptive parents. This bond the adoptive mother has with her child grows over time, like the child did within his first mother’s womb. Day by day, touch by touch, with each tear, kiss, and memory made they became a family.

Adoptive mothers have that special knack to let love grow.
Adoptive mothers know that she’s a mender of wounds, not just of the physical skinned knees with a band-aid and a kiss, but of the heart. She gives love, acceptance, and permission to ask and talk about the day he was born and of his first parents.
Adoptive mothers are embracers,

not only of the child with many hugs and kisses, but of the child’s heritage and history.

She embraces the facts of her child’s past with strength for herself and the child.
She’s not only a memory maker planning family vacations, activities, and birthday parties, but also a memory keeper. Details of a birth, photos of the hospital, and of the parents who brought her into the world are kept along side the newspaper clipping that announced it all. All these things are kept in a special book that tells the whole story.
She’s a tier of shoelaces and of hearts. She weaves lives together into a tapestry of a new family, with many different brightly, colored threads showcasing their individualities and family origins. Together they create one unit attached to each other.
Adoptive mothers are experts at finding lost objects, but understand and validate the profound, deep loss left by adoption. She allows the tears to fall and grief to be felt, allowing the mourning of the mom not there. She is secure in knowing that she’s not a replacement, but a finisher of a race for someone who, for whatever reason, could not run any longer.
This role is not for the weak of spirit, or the easily wounded. Loving a child not born to her but calling him her own, but this is what she does, it is her calling.

She is a mother.

Not as bad as we thought :-)

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers everyone! LUCKILY things we not as bad as implied to us by our social worker. From all the emotional abuse David had received from his previous families my assupmtion was that it had finally taken its toll on him. Our worker said that for them to postpone the adoption his issues my be very severe so I assumed the worse. Because it seems as though my social worker never seems to know anything, I called David's worker myself to get any info I could on him.

Turns out my social worker knew even less than what I thought... like, David DOES know about us and knows that we were in the paperwork process of bringing him home. How exactly our worker didn't get that memo is still a shock to me. Not to be negative or anything.... but seriously!

The "issues" David is facing: David's previous worker had told us that David had siblings that were younger and older and I guess the last month or so he has started getting back into contact with his two younger siblings. His issue is that he fears that if he moves out of state that he will not be able to maintain those relationships and so he is unsure if he wants to move out of state into an adoptive family. When he selected us as the adoptive family he wanted he was not in contact with his siblings so he didn't have a problem with moving out of state.

So when I talked to his worker she asked how I felt about them maintaing that relationship and even yearly visits - I let her know that Kyle and I have no problem with this at all. I can't imagine taking that last bit of family away from a boy who has lost everything.

They are leaving the final choice up to David if he wants to go through with this adoption or stay in foster care in Texas in hopes of being adopted by a Texas family and I could not be happier.

I let them know that we would be waiting for David's decision but that whatever he decides we will be happy with. I am just so glad that this was his "issue" and that it wasn't something harmful to him.

I feel a sense of relief that he FINALLY has some control over his life! I can be completely content with not having him home as long as I know that he is where that he wants to be :-)

Thanks for your paryers and thoughts for us and david, if nothing else we have a little boy to keep in our prayers no matter where he lives :-)

Some news on David

Many of you may be unaware but Kyle and I have been in the process of adopting a young boy named David from the foster care system currently residing in Texas...He turned 12 last month. We were selected as adoptive parents in May and we have been waiting (and waiting and waiting) for the paperwork to be completed to bring him home. So here we are in October, 5 months later, still waiting for this paperwork to finish up. Well today we received some news on our little boy. . . . yes, he is our little boy. Our social worker called about travel arrangements related to Kinsey and she wanted to let us know that yesterday or the day before she got a call from David’s adoption worker. His worker called to let her know that his counselor has suggested that the adoption be put on hold for them to work out some issues David is dealing with. I asked if we could continue to get the paperwork completed (because they still didn’t know how long the paperwork would take) so that way when he has worked everything out he could come home. That’s when she informed me that his social worker made it sound that he may never be available to be adopted by anyone. My first thought was: You were told this yesterday – or the day before and you are just now calling to tell me?? Did she not think this was something that was important enough to make a phone call? Does she not know how this little boy has stolen our heart and become part of our family we were so anxiously waiting to bring home? My family asks about him every time we talk, wanting to hear the latest on when we can bring him home.

My hurt turned to anger as I thought of all the selfish people who have made this little boy’s life what it is…. The foster parents he called mom and dad who he lived with for years who only wanted to adopt his two very young siblings – they told him that if he was “good” they would adopt him too… His next foster parents were abusive and when they heard he would be removed told him that they had planned on adopting him (because that’s all he has wanted) … and those foster parents who emotionally crushed this little boy by telling him that not even his family loved him. Who looks a little boy in the eye and says something like that? All he has ever wanted was to be loved, to be part of a family. He has no behavior problems but he does sometimes have crying fits because he doesn’t understand why no one wants him and wonders what is wrong with him. This little boy has been adoptable since he was 4 years old and for the last 8 years foster parents have been jerking him around promising to adopt him and then not following through. This little boy is hurting, he just wants a family.

We don’t know what issues he is currently dealing with but all I can think about is the people who brought him to this point in his life and the people who contributed to his feelings of shame and worthlessness. The only thing we can do for David is to pray for him, pray for his healing of all the hurts and disappointments in his life. So think of David and bring him before Jesus. We don’t know if David will ever be able to get the family he has always wanted and that breaks our hearts, but we hope that someday he can come home.

I just wish I could give him a hug and let him know how much we his family here love him, despite his flaws (that we ALL have)... that unconditional love that everyone needs to know is there. I will always love David, and he will always have a place in my heart... I hope some day he finds healing.

Her story is already touching lives...

I love to share our daughter's story with others. I believe that her story is a testimony to God's goodness, his love and his sovereignty. Many may look at her story as something terrible and tragic - as though she is someone for them to pitty. She isn't.
My professor from grad school recently went to Korea and had asked if she could share her story with those in Korea. How could I refuse? She reported back after her trip that they were touched by Kinsey's story - her life. She was conceived through rape but God still has a plan for her. Her young mother was tragically assaulted and yet still believes that she can see God turn something beautiful out of these ashes. She is two months old and her story is already touching lives. I have loved hearing stories of other adoptive families and seeing how God is using their children already at such a young age. God is going to use our children to set the world on fire. Praying for our children is a necessity - there is no choice. I look at my daughter and I know she will do great things. All I can do that really matters - is bring her before my Jesus.

Here is a slideshow of us with Kinsey from birth until now. To the song: My Little Girl

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com