It's Love: April 2009

(I love this one how Kinsey is just facinated by C's ear rings :) - precious!)

("R" is Kinsey's first/biological grandma & "C" is Kinsey's first/bio mom

Sorry this is long - but I want to remember it.... every bit of it.... )

I have been waiting and waiting to write this post. I wanted to do it the day that it happened but I wanted to make sure that I could post a picture if possible. Then I waited until I heard back from them if I had permission to share the pictures I had taken with you all. I heard back from them and they just don't feel comfortable with that (considering how everything surrounding her conception and birth is a secret).

I had alot of...um... expectations maybe ...for this visit. This visit was the biggest reason we really wanted to make the trip to California NOW, for fear that it might be a couple years before we get out there again. They have seen Kinsey at 3 days old, 7 months old and I just didn't want the next time to be at 5 years or something. They get pictures all the time - but its just not the same as experiencing her.

Well - if you remember, they were having problems with their car at the last minute and didn't think they could make it. We offered to just drive to them if they felt comfortable - which they did. We made the trip up there and I was just so excited/nervous! Kyle was a little more worried because he wasn't with me the last time they had met to see Kinsey, I assured him this would be awesome and he reminded himself that this was for Kinsey - because he loved her and knew that someday these pictures of her with her first mom would be priceless. Well - we got lost. Nothing major, but its just a pain when you don't know where you are at haha. We pulled into a Carl's Jr. - I called them and they said instead of explaining directions, they would just come to us. They asked the street - and I told them - Victoria Dr. I didn't realize until after our meeting how significant it was.

When they pulled up, it felt like we just kind of picked up where we left off. "R" (first grandma, who is just 34 years old right now) and I write letters frequently, so I just feel like we are old friends - strange I know. Of course the "hello" and the hugs are awkward, but its more like - I don't want to say anything to hurt them. Kinsey didn't feel like giving hugs and she started to yell when R reached for one. Awkward again. But once Kinsey say that she had a cell phone she had an instant friend and took R's hand and "C"'s hand as we walked inside the restaurant.

We walk in and sit down - Kyle goes and gets Kinsey some tater tots to eat while we sit and chat. One of the first things she did was look at R & C, point to Kyle and say "daddy"... then point to me and say "momma". I felt instant pain. I can't explain it. During this visit I was completely okay with not hearing or being called "momma" by my beautiful girl. I know that I am her momma - but I didn't want to pour salt on the wound that "C" has. Maybe that's bad that I didn't want to be called that - but I didn't. Anyway, they both smiled and said "Yes".

The next hour was filled with talk about Kinsey and Cali and random things they do that we love. In our letters, we just kind of share whats going on with us. . . so during this time that we were meeting, they asked more specific stuff. When they asked her favorite things to eat we started naming things (Broccoli was one - C likes it too!) then we said "She will pretty much eat everything!" C looked down, smiled this cute smile and said "Yeah - thats me too" :)

The last time we met she was just 14 years old. Two months ago she turned 16, its amazing how grown up she seemed - yet she was still a young girl - a child. This meeting she was more engaged in the conversation, she made eye contact, asked questions, and didn't seem as uncomfortable and shy. I loved it. I just kept looking at her and smiling - this woman gave me my daughter. Her daughter.

Kyle jumped in and said "You know, its funny because Kinsey loves sliced lemons!" - You should have seen C's face light up - "I love lemons too! I suck on them all the time!" Well, now we know where Kinsey gets it from :) It makes me happy - happy that I can tell Kinsey someday that her first momma loved lemons too :)

There were a few other moments like that - where I just smiled and loved that each one of us, of them, got to be here.

They thought Kinsey was really smart - of course she is :) They loved watching her move from place to place. Kinsey even went over, sat down between them and shared her hashbrowns - such a priceless moment. :) They thought she seemed hyper :) Well... she does have alot of energy.

They gave us a CD of bible songs and hymns sung by kids - we listened it non stop for the next two days... Kinsey LOVES to sing and listen to music. They gave us 101 dalmations, they knew she loved dogs (C and R have two dogs - they are big animal lovers like Kinsey)!

R & C shared a couple more things that Kinsey did or liked that C did also. It was neat to see C get excited about those things. She would say "Oh yeah and ..." when something would come up. It just made me happy. I can't really explain it.

When I talked to R the week before to set up our meeting, we chatted for about an hour about what was new and stuff going on. As much as you can say in letters - its just so much easy to chat on the phone.

She shared how C had told her a couple days before that she ("C") showed a picture of Kinsey to her friends and told them everything. Her friends thought Kinsey was really cute - of course :)This brought a little bit of comfort knowing that she had someone else she could talk to - who may ask her the tough qustions about how she really felt about everything - the good, the bad and the ugly. It also made me glad because now maybe her story will encourage others (her friends) to consider adoption over abortion if ever faced with the same situation. Up until that comment I wondered how much of our communication was R and how much was C. I didn't know if she just wanted to forget - or if she was just as excited to see pictures and letters as R was. So hearing her say that she was carrying around pictures of Kinsey confirmed that C still enjoyed the pictures and letters :)

Back to our visit -

They couldn't get over Cali either :) She just smiled at them the whole time - it was so cute. They loved her little curls and wondered why Cali had them but not Kinsey (C has curly hair). "C" just loved her name too :) And thought her eyes were "so cool". R shared about how God's timing was perfect for them, for us - to bring us together to become parents of Kinsey and then have another little girl. They just loved how we had two little girls close in age so Kinsey could be a big sister :)

Oh! I for got a cute part of our day - they had commented n how crazy it was that I had a labor/delivery very similar to C's. C then said that the doctors were really impressed that she was up walking around the next day - Kyle looks at me and say "Man, honey you were a wimp - it took you a few days to walk"... you should have seen C smile :) Yeah - she is tough. :) You'd have to be to go through everything she has - much less at 14.

One of my favorite things about the time together was the way that C looked at Kinsey. She is such a soft spoken girl... but the way that she watched Kinsey was so beautiful. The look was kind of like her adoring everything about her.

After about an hour they said they had to go - they both had classes they had to get to. I knew it would be short, but I didn't realize how fast it would go by.

We said our good-byes and parted ways.

after we met with them, R sent me a text message and said that she was SO thankful that God had made it possible for our meeting to take place (despite the car problems). It truly was HIM who made it possible, I had friends praying that God would make a way - and he did!

After we got back on the road the emotions just flooded me. I just broke down.

Before Kinsey was ever my daughter - she was C's first. I may have been the first one to hold her outside the womb - but C carried her for 9 months before I ever laid eyes on her.

I just hurt so badly for them. The tears were tears of joy - that she chose us to be the parents to her beautiful little girl. Those same tears were from the hurt that I felt for them - that they had Kinsey missing from their lives...that their pain was my joy. That they didn't get to see the cute little things that she does everyday. They don't wake up to her saying "Momma, momma, momma". The tears were tears of utter thankfulness to God who orchastrated the events of our lives that now connect us forever.

Remember how I said that the street we were on, that they would come meet us at was "Victoria Dr."? Well, Victoria was the name given to Kinsey by her first mom. I don't care what anyone says - that is God. How would it be that out of every road in that place, us getting lost, and them deciding to just meet us "there" - that it would be her given name?

Maybe that just added to the emotion I was already feeling.

I just felt pain. Pain for C. I don't know what she is feeling - I can't possibly imagine the pain. What was it like to see Kinsey ? She she her smile - to hear her laugh?

R thanked us for giving C another chance - a chance to finish high school, go to college, and get her life back. This why we chose adoption. We wanted to put our "prolife" talk into action. We have never cared how we became parents... and we knew that if we could be the answer to a woman's prayers who wanted life for her baby but was unable to parent...that we wanted to be there!

She thanks God in every letter to us that they picked us to raise Kinsey. They love that she is a daddy's girl. They think its just so cute :) They love that she has a mom to stay home with her everyday. But you know - if they had chosen to keep her, I have no doubt that she would have been loved and adored every second of every day. The love her now - adore her now - pray for her now.

I cried because a mother knows the pain of losing a child. I cannot imagine what it must have been like to make that choice. It was a choice made out of such a deep love. I felt that pain - I hurt for that loss that she lives with. I love my daughter - and I can't imagine my life without her. I know that C and R love her too and it hurts that they will never know what it feels like to hold her close and hear her say "momma" or "grandma" the cute little way that she does.

She is my daughter. But she was her's first.

From the beginning I know that God knew that Kinsey would have two momma's.

Two momma's with different roles...

but neither one more important than the other.

I just love how Kinsey has her head rested on C's head - precious...

C looks so comfortable with her arms around Kinsey.

Some of you may wonder if it hurt me (for me) to see them and meet with them.

It didn't at all.

I know that I am Kinsey's mom.

I don't feel threatened or anything when it comes to Kinsey.

I truly believe that it benefits us ALL to maintain the kind of contact that we do.

C gave my daughter life - she entrusted me with her daughter. How could I possibly ever repay her for what she has done? How could I deny her knowing that her choice was a good one - that she picked the right family? I am forever thankful for the gift of Kinsey. I know that someday Kinsey will cherish these photos and letters that I keep in a scrapbook. She will know that she was loved before she was born and that the choice of adoption was made in love - the most pure and selfless love possible.

Sunday we spent the day home and with Kyle's side of our family instead of visiting my parents and grandparents. We went to our church (Fairview Missionary Church) and was able to watch the musical presentation. I have seen numerous presentations of the gospel and the Easter story but I still tend to get emotional when I see them. Its overwhelming to be reminded of God's love and what he did for us.

This musical had several stories of Jesus - like some of the miracles that he did. These short representations really effected me. I mean - really effected me. I started crying right there. As Christians, we are supposed to represent him. We are supposed to be his hands and touch those around us.

I saw "Jesus" reach out and touch the untouchables. I saw Jesus heal a young boy who had a demon inside of him. I saw Jesus heal a girl who was sick. I saw Jesus raise a child from the grave. I saw him do, what others didn't believe possible. I saw the "looks" that people gave Jesus when he chose to touch and heal a woman when everyone else thought it was a bad idea. I saw Jesus, and I wept. I want to be like that - like him. I want to love others - despite the "looks" or the "advice" of others. I want to take action. I want to be the difference.

Jesus loved the ugly, the deformed, the disabled - because he didn't see that. He saw his children. He saw the people that he created. And he loved them - alot. He died for them.

I want to be like that.